Letting Her Go
by kaysue18
Summary: I have always wondered what would have happened if Sebastian chose the Chantry over Kierrai, so I decided to finally write this short tale. I hope you all enjoy it. AU of TOA, one-shot. SebastianxOC


Choosing the Chantry over her had been the hardest decision he had ever had to make, but he was certain that it was the right one. And yet, although he truly believed it was the right choice, he still ached and yearned for her, even after all these years. He could still remember the hurt in her wide eyes when he told her that they could never be together in the way she wanted, in the way they both wanted. She had disappeared from Kirkwall that day, and none of them ever heard from her again. He remembered everything like it was yesterday: Hawke's duel with the Arishok, the fight he had with her that morning, Varric's advice that he couldn't bring himself to follow. Sometimes he had whispers of doubt that came upon him in quiet contemplative moments.

_"She's not the type of girl who will wait around."_ Varric had said. He had been right. Well, mostly. Every so often when he was leading the Chant of Light, she would be there. He never saw her, never caught a glimpse of her beautiful face, but he always knew. He had always been able to tell. In the ten years since she had left, he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind, but he had learned to accept it. It had taken a few years after the abomination had attacked the old chantry, but Sebastian had stayed and helped rebuild. The new chantry was similar to the old, but it lacked the Grand Cleric's soothing nature. Sometimes it felt like a prison, especially when he thought of what he had given up to be a part of it.

"Sebastian." A familiar voice said behind him. He turned, and there she stood, the ghost that had haunted him for over a decade. Ten years later and she was still just as breathtaking as the day they first met. Her silky auburn hair still fell in loose curls to her waist, and her russet eyes still sucked him in without any effort. She was tall and slender as ever, but he knew that hardened muscle lay beneath the plain tunic and pants that she wore. As always, her onyx daggers were strapped to her back. It was like they had never parted.

"Kierrai. It's been a long time." He finally answered when he got over the shock. That she could still have such an effect on him was…unsettling. She nodded, brushing her hair back from her face like she always did when she was nervous.

"It has." She replied awkwardly. He had never seen her so unsure of herself.

"What have you been doing over the last ten years?" he asked companionably. They walked over to one of the pews and sat down. He resisted the urge to chuckle as she folded her legs beneath her and perched on the seat. Her old habits clearly hadn't faded over the years.

"I…I travel a lot. I think I've been nearly everywhere now." She began. "At first I spent some time with my brother in Ferelden, but…it was too difficult to watch a happy relationship after…" she trailed off. Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

"You have a brother? I never knew this." He asked in surprise. A smile ghosted across her full lips.

"Indeed. You know him as Alistair Theirin, King of Ferelden." She revealed. He blinked in shock.

"You're a Theirin!?" he choked. She nodded.

"I would have told you eventually…Anyway, after I left there I went to Rivain, then Antiva, then Orlais, and then anywhere my feet would take me." She continued.

"Did you meet anyone?" he blurted. The implications of the type of "anyone" he was referring to were clear, and he could see it in her eyes.

"I did. I married him." She admitted. Her eyes were searching for a reaction, and Sebastian felt his heart drop.

"Do you love him?" he breathed, unable to resist asking. The hesitation before her answer told him everything he needed to know.

"He is a good man, Sebastian." She responded quietly. His heart was racing, and all he wanted to do was lean over and kiss her.

"That isn't what I asked." He pointed out, his voice lower than usual. Her eyes shone with unshed tears and she looked away from him.

"That isn't fair." She argued. Sebastian looked up when he heard the chantry doors open. He had no doubt who the man who strode through the door was when he saw the look on his face at seeing Kierrai.

"Does he know about me?" Sebastian asked, nodding toward her slowly approaching husband. She nodded slowly.

"He does. And even knowing that, he encouraged me to see you today. He loves me Sebastian." She whispered. He could tell that she was biting the inside of her cheek as she stood and began to turn away from him. He grabbed her arm and made her look at him.

"So do I." he admitted in hushed tones. He could feel his own tears filling his eyes as he admitted it. After ten years of lying to himself, he finally saw that he still loved her. She nodded in understanding.

"I know." She replied, turning away again. He wouldn't let her go.

"Kierrai!" he hissed. She turned back to him, a spark of anger in her eyes.

"The only thing that stood between our love was you, Sebastian. You made your choice." She growled. He still didn't release her.

"You still love me, Kierrai, I can see it in your eyes." He answered. A tear spilled onto her face, running slowly down her cheek.

"I can't just throw him aside to be with you, Sebastian. He is a good man-"she began.

"You keep saying tha', but I can't help bu' notice that you have nothing more to say about 'im." He pointed out. He was surprised. His Starkhaven accent had all but faded over the years of living in Kirkwall, and to hear it come out so strongly was odd. She closed her eyes, and what she said next was like a punch in the stomach.

"If I broke my vows to be with you, I wouldn't be worthy of you." She breathed. It was as though the blood in his veins turned to ice. She was using his own words against him.

"Everything all right, love?" her husband asked as he reached them. Kierrai wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded, smiling fondly at the man. He was only slightly taller than Kierrai and muscular, with a wicked greatsword strapped to his back. He had messy blonde hair and deep green eyes. Sebastian noted that he was the opposite of himself in looks. The man smiled politely and held out his hand. "I am Kierrai's husband, Finn." He said. Sebastian shook the proffered hand firmly.

"Sebastian." He grunted. Finn nodded.

"I know." He said, smile still in place. Sebastian searched his face, trying to see some trace of trickery there, but he seemed completely genuine. Kierrai tugged at Finn's arm.

"We should go." She requested. Finn nodded.

"You go on ahead, I'll catch up." He promised. Her eyes widened as she looked between her husband and himself. Sebastian wondered what he was up to. Finally, she sighed and nodded.

"Goodbye, Sebastian." She said sadly.

"Goodbye." He replied. She turned and left the Chantry as he stared down at her husband. Finn cleared his throat.

"Look, I'm not an idiot. I always knew that when she said that she would marry me, she was settling. Seeing the two of you together only reaffirms that knowledge." He said. Sebastian folded his arms.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He muttered. Finn barked a laugh.

"There's no need to hide it. I love Kierrai with every fiber of my being, but she has never looked at me the way she was just looking at you. And she never will." He said quietly. Sebastian frowned.

"Then why won't you let her go?" he asked. Finn raised an eyebrow.

"If you were me, are you honestly saying that you could let her go?" he replied knowingly. Sebastian nodded slowly.

"If I thought it would make her happy." He muttered. Finn nodded.

"And now you see my dilemma. I don't know that it would make her happy. You know Kierrai. You know that she doesn't want anyone to get hurt, and if she left me for you, she knows it would hurt me. That guilt would be with her forever. However, if she chose to be with you, I would happily stand aside just to see her smile again. All I want is for her to be happy." He admitted. Sebastian nodded.

"As would I. Will you let her decide, then?" he asked quietly. Finn nodded.

"Of course. And whatever she chooses, there will be no hard feelings between you and I." he promised. Sebastian nodded. He couldn't help but like the man. He watched him leave before dropping to his knees in prayer, hoping she would come back to him.

* * *

Every time the doors opened Sebastian leapt to his feet eagerly. Every time, he was disappointed. Hours passed, and soon it was late in the night. He was practically nodding off when he felt her. He smiled widely.

"Kierrai." He said, turning to look at her. His face fell when he saw her expression. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her lower lip was trembling.

"I came to say goodbye, Sebastian." She whispered. He shook his head.

"No, Kierrai, please! I love you." He cried. She began to shake as she started to cry.

"I love you too, Sebastian, but I made a promise to him. It wouldn't be right." She whimpered, trying to make him see how hard this was for her. Sebastian realized that his face was wet with his own tears.

"Please." He whispered. She closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She breathed. He knew she wouldn't change her mind. She turned to leave.

"Wait." He requested. She paused mid-step. "Kiss me." He said. She turned back to him with surprise.

"Sebastian I-" she began.

"Please. Just one kiss, and then you can go." He begged. She thought for a long time, and as soon as she nodded, he had her in his arms. Their lips crushed against one another and everything that they wanted to say to each other was made known. It was the most passionate, love-filled kiss they had ever shared, and when they broke apart they were both out of breath.

"Goodbye, Sebastian. You will always be in my heart." She finally said, walking away from him.

"I will wait for you." He promised. He heard her choke on a sob as she left him once more. He collapsed to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

* * *

His bones and joints were tired and achy. He groaned uncomfortably as he rubbed a hand through his dark grey hair, wishing for the days when he was younger. Those wishes brought forth memories of stolen kisses and warm, soft skin. Her natural, clean scent and her sparkling eyes. He coughed, trying to clear the images from his mind. Twice he had let her go, even though the second was against his wishes. He shifted on the hard pew, closing his eyes and letting the memories roam free. He remembered her so clearly, it was almost like she was standing beside him. Someone sat on the pew, but he kept his eyes closed. Maybe they would think he was praying.

"Sebastian." She said. Blue eyes shot open, and tears immediately formed.

"Kierrai." He whispered. She had aged much since he last saw her, but she was just as beautiful to him. The color had faded from her hair, and laugh lines and other wrinkles were etched on her face, but those eyes still held the light that he had always loved. He smiled when he noticed that she was looking at him the way she always had.

"Did you wait for me?" she whispered. He answered by closing the gap between them and kissing her soundly.

"Always." He breathed when they pulled apart. She kissed him, and he finally felt like the world had righted itself. It pleased him to see that she was still strong, and he grinned at the daggers strapped to her back.

"Good." She said. He rested his forehead against hers.

"I am never letting you go again." He promised. She closed her eyes, letting the tears fall.

"Nor I, you." She agreed. He smiled, truly happy once more.


End file.
